Consider it pure joy...

It's been a rough couple days around here. Maybe my hormones are outta sorts, but I've been so weepy lately. It just seems like life has just been extra difficult, I guess. I have days like that. Maybe you do too? It's not that anything has really changed and maybe that's why it's been harder. I'm rather frustrated that EK hasn't improved much lately. In fact, we have seen some regression. She's better at doing tasks when asked (like putting blocks together, doing a puzzle, basically not just throwing objects) but her speech has pretty much disappeared. She says "Mommy, Daddy" constantly, but it's a struggle to get much else out of her. I'm not sure if she's concentrating so much on doing things with her hands that she can't work on talking right now or what the deal is. Regardless, it's so disheartening!!!! We just want to see her improve, not just for our sake, but for hers. Imagine how frustrating it is for her to not be able to communicate what she wants, needs, when she's hurting, how she feels, etc. It breaks my heart! No parent wants their child to suffer. I pray she knows how much she is loved, especially on those days that are harder for her!!


I think the hardest thing about autism is that there's no concrete way to face it. With other medical conditions, doctors will tell you exactly what you need to do. There's so much out there in regards to autism. Some parents say their child no longer has the autism diagnosis (which is what we pray for all the time). Some parents do lots of therapy: behavior, speech, occupational, physical. Some parents put them on medications. Some parents go the biomedical route (gluten/casein free diet, supplements, vitamins, chelation, etc) Which is the right way??? Sometimes it so overwhelming. We just want to do what will help EK be all the God created her to be. I pray for wisdom constantly.


We attempted to go the pumpkin patch with some of my close friends yesterday. We all have kids that are close to EK's age. In fact, we used to do play dates when they were babies. (Yes, those play dates are more for the moms!!) These are kids that EK has grown up with. Sometimes it hard to be around them b/c it makes me realize where she should be. Sometimes it turns into a pity party b/c I'm sad that I'm missing out on fun experiences. We should be able to go to the pumpkin patch and she should be having a blast. I shouldn't have to hold her to whole time to console her (she cried pretty much the whole time). I certainly shouldn't have to hear other moms making comments about her poor behavior. It just doesn't seem fair...


Then I'm confronted with the words of James 1:2-4... "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, beacause you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."


If I'm honest, I'm not joyful about my current situation, but I struggle with knowing that I should. Having joy doesn't mean I'm happy about the trials I'm going through, but it does mean I can have joy because I know that God is in control, that He is sovereign, that He's good, and that He's all-wise. I truly believe that and I have to remind myself constantly that God has ordained for us to go through this. I know the Lord allowed EK to have autism to grow me in sanctification, to become more Christ-like. It's hard, it's not something I would've chosen to go through, but I pray that the Lord gives me the grace to choose to be joyful during this time.


I have a sweet teacher friend that is going through a trial of her own with her baby girl who was born with a rare condition. She's going through a lot of hurt and pain and it just doesn't seem fair. She's been through so much already in her life. I can relate so intimately to her feelings of frustration and sadness. Her transparency has been such an encouragement to me. She's in the midst of working out her salvation as she trusts in her Lord.


Someone mentioned the other day that I never complain about what is going on in our life. I hope this entry doesn't sound like complaining. I'm just trying to be honest. I'm only human. I do fail (daily), but my heart's desire is that, more than my comfort and happiness, God's will would be done in my life and EK's life and that my God would receive all the honor and glory for anything good that comes out of our current trials. Trusting Him is the only way to endure hardship. I am so thankful that I have my God to lean on and trust in during this time!