Being a Pastor's Wife
October is Pastor Appreciation Month. I became a pastor's wife a little over 10 years ago. I can remember as a teenager (and maybe even younger) wanting to marry a minister. You may laugh, but I knew then that I wanted a husband who was serious about his walk with Lord and wanted to serve Him. I wanted to be in full-time ministry. I didn't want to just attend church on Sundays. As a teenager, I felt that most of the guys I knew went to church because their parents required them to. I wanted to marry a guy that didn't go to church because he wanted to make me happy. I wanted a husband who would lead our family to go to church, be involved and grow more into the image of Christ.
Again, you may be thinking I was naive to think that marrying a pastor would make everything perfect. You're right to a point, but I think there's two main reasons I admired the role of pastor. The pastors/ministers of my youth were great examples to me. I saw no negatives to marrying a minister. I am sure part of it was my innocence, but I think it showed more of their character. They loved the Lord, felt called to minister to His people, and did the best they could through His strength.
I also saw my grandparents in ministry. My mom's dad pastored the same church for over 40 years. I am sure there were difficult times, but my grampa wouldn't have been happy doing anything else. The Lord called him to be a pastor and my grampa took that job seriously.
Fast forward to marrying Keith 10 years ago. Even though I had always wanted to marry a pastor, I suddenly felt very ill-equipped to become a pastor's wife. I felt I was too young to teach and counsel other women and do all the other things I saw pastor's wives do. (I still feel this way at times.) When we got married, Keith had just become associate pastor at the church we met at. I really thought we would stay there a couple years and then move west for him to pastor a smaller church. (My husband loves the west coast.) However, the Lord had other plans, as He often does. A year and a half later, I remember sitting in a search committee meeting. Our previous pastor had retired and Keith was a candidate for his position as senior pastor. I had no doubt that Keith would be a great pastor. Although he was younger, I knew the Lord had gifted him to preach/teach the Word of God and given him a passion to lead God's people to grow in spiritual maturity. Our previous pastor's wife had such a sweet, gentle spirit. She was a godly woman and had a huge servant's heart. She wasn't the type to lead women's Bible study or take on lots of leadership roles. She found things that needed to be done behind the scenes and did them, often without any recognition. Watching Ms. Martha's example gave me confidence that I could use the gifts the Lord had given me to serve Him and help my husband in ministry. It probably wouldn't look exactly like other pastor's wives I knew and I decided that was ok, as long as I was being faithful to what God called me to do.
I am not your typical "pastor's wife", if there even is such a thing. Think of all the things you may expect a pastor's wife to do. If you compared me to that, you'd probably be disappointed. I am not the one to be at the church every time the doors are open. I'm not teaching ladies Bible study, I don't play the piano at church or direct Vacation Bible School. Having a daughter with special needs (and being a mom of young kids)has dictated a lot of what I can and can't do. Honestly, I would love to be more involved but right now, EK's needs (and AC's and AK's) mean that I'm serving the Lord by serving my family.
I know the best thing I can do as a pastor's wife is to support my husband. I need to be his biggest fan and tell him I am proud of him. He needs me to encourage him to continue doing the work he's doing and not make him feel guilty that he's gone several nights a week or out of town for a couple days. (This is something I have to be intentional about.) I also support him by trying to keep things running (relatively) smoothly here at home and make it a place he wants to come home to. Our home is where he can relax and unwind after a very busy and sometimes very stressful day. While I'm not doing full-time ministry outside the home, I'm supporting him to do the best job he can do.
Being a pastor's wife has it's challenges, but the blessings have far outweighed the challenges so far. It's a privilege to serve alongside my husband and help him do things that have eternal significance. I love seeing our church members grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. I am thankful for the ways they personally minister to me and my family.
There's a good chance you aren't married to a pastor, but perhaps you know a pastor's wife. Here are a few simple ways you can encourage her:
If you are thankful for your pastor and their family, let them know.
Again, you may be thinking I was naive to think that marrying a pastor would make everything perfect. You're right to a point, but I think there's two main reasons I admired the role of pastor. The pastors/ministers of my youth were great examples to me. I saw no negatives to marrying a minister. I am sure part of it was my innocence, but I think it showed more of their character. They loved the Lord, felt called to minister to His people, and did the best they could through His strength.
I also saw my grandparents in ministry. My mom's dad pastored the same church for over 40 years. I am sure there were difficult times, but my grampa wouldn't have been happy doing anything else. The Lord called him to be a pastor and my grampa took that job seriously.
Fast forward to marrying Keith 10 years ago. Even though I had always wanted to marry a pastor, I suddenly felt very ill-equipped to become a pastor's wife. I felt I was too young to teach and counsel other women and do all the other things I saw pastor's wives do. (I still feel this way at times.) When we got married, Keith had just become associate pastor at the church we met at. I really thought we would stay there a couple years and then move west for him to pastor a smaller church. (My husband loves the west coast.) However, the Lord had other plans, as He often does. A year and a half later, I remember sitting in a search committee meeting. Our previous pastor had retired and Keith was a candidate for his position as senior pastor. I had no doubt that Keith would be a great pastor. Although he was younger, I knew the Lord had gifted him to preach/teach the Word of God and given him a passion to lead God's people to grow in spiritual maturity. Our previous pastor's wife had such a sweet, gentle spirit. She was a godly woman and had a huge servant's heart. She wasn't the type to lead women's Bible study or take on lots of leadership roles. She found things that needed to be done behind the scenes and did them, often without any recognition. Watching Ms. Martha's example gave me confidence that I could use the gifts the Lord had given me to serve Him and help my husband in ministry. It probably wouldn't look exactly like other pastor's wives I knew and I decided that was ok, as long as I was being faithful to what God called me to do.
I am not your typical "pastor's wife", if there even is such a thing. Think of all the things you may expect a pastor's wife to do. If you compared me to that, you'd probably be disappointed. I am not the one to be at the church every time the doors are open. I'm not teaching ladies Bible study, I don't play the piano at church or direct Vacation Bible School. Having a daughter with special needs (and being a mom of young kids)has dictated a lot of what I can and can't do. Honestly, I would love to be more involved but right now, EK's needs (and AC's and AK's) mean that I'm serving the Lord by serving my family.
I know the best thing I can do as a pastor's wife is to support my husband. I need to be his biggest fan and tell him I am proud of him. He needs me to encourage him to continue doing the work he's doing and not make him feel guilty that he's gone several nights a week or out of town for a couple days. (This is something I have to be intentional about.) I also support him by trying to keep things running (relatively) smoothly here at home and make it a place he wants to come home to. Our home is where he can relax and unwind after a very busy and sometimes very stressful day. While I'm not doing full-time ministry outside the home, I'm supporting him to do the best job he can do.
Being a pastor's wife has it's challenges, but the blessings have far outweighed the challenges so far. It's a privilege to serve alongside my husband and help him do things that have eternal significance. I love seeing our church members grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. I am thankful for the ways they personally minister to me and my family.
There's a good chance you aren't married to a pastor, but perhaps you know a pastor's wife. Here are a few simple ways you can encourage her:
- Pray for her. I can't tell you how much the prayer of others have blessed me. Don't just say you'll pray for her, but regularly lift her (and her family) up to the Lord.
- Give her grace. We all need grace. I am human and will make mistakes. I am so thankful for the grace I've received over the past 8 years in ministry. I have never had a church member make me feel guilty because I wasn't at an event or service. Again, it's not because I don't support the activities of the church, it's because my family's needs are my first priority right now.
- Write a note of appreciation. It's an easy way to let her know that she's valued.
- Compliment her husband. I love to hear that other people are challenged and encouraged by my husband's preaching or that a recent visit by him was a blessing.
- Offer to help (with kids, run an errand, make a meal). My in-laws moved here last year, but before then, I had several ladies that I would call when I needed help with the kids. I have also been blessed by little things. One time a lady mailed me a book of stamps b/c she figured going to the post office was something that was harder to get done. Such a sweet thought by her! A couple years ago, we had two teenaged girls offer to babysit our kids once a month so we could have a date night. What might your pastor's wife need help with?
If you are thankful for your pastor and their family, let them know.
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