I don't like autism

Today is one of those days that I just don't like autism and what it has done to my sweet girl, the things it has taken away from her. I recently had some of our small cassette home videos put on a DVD. I'm not sure it was the best thing b/c there were several videos of my EK before autism. So normal...playing with toys, talking a little, following directions. It's hard to explain if you didn't know my girl before she regressed. Her regression was so very slow, so I can't pinpoint anything specific that caused it. Looking back, she had a lot of sensory issues at first, chewed on EVERYTHING or at least put it in her mouth before spitting it out, she starting walking on her toes shortly after she turned 2, she wouldn't eat certain textures, etc. However, I knew nothing about sensory issues and how helpful an occupational therapist would have been at the time. She was verbal and could make simple requests, although closer to age 3, a lot of her speech was echolalia (repeating what she heard). I would give anything to have that speech back. In November 2009, she stopped talking completely. (She was 3 years, 10 months at the time.)
Anyway, today I'm just sad that she isn't able to tell me she's hurting or something is bothering her or what she wants. I took her to the doctor yesterday b/c her ear smelled bad. We have had ear infections before. (although before she was 6 she only had a handful of them.) Since last spring, she has had 4, if my journal is correct. I'm not sure what exactly is going on. She didn't complain, didn't have fever, ate and slept normally. The first sign was the dried blood I noticed on her ear. Then the next day, I noticed a smell. I guess the ear drum ruptured (which also happened several times last year) and then you could smell the infection. YUCK!!! I just wish she could tell me that it hurt. She does have a high pain tolerance, but still...
While we were talking with the nurse practitioner about our course of action, I noticed that her bottom dental crown was gone!! I could see the molar they had drilled down. I felt sick to my to my stomach b/c I was pretty sure she had swallowed it! And how that exposed tooth must hurt! :( I'm just mad that we even have to make a decision like this. We just had the crown put in back in September  and it's no easy task. She has to be put under with anesthesia. Local anesthesia would not cut it! If you remember my post back in September about all the dental work, I was sick to my stomach over it all. I really feel like prior dental work and anesthesia caused our daughter to really regress when she was almost 4. I hated redoing the dental work in September and the work was much more involved than the first time. She had 2 crowns put in and had at least 5 cavities filled. The crown that they were supposed to replace (b/c she had ground a hole in it) didn't happen b/c the tooth fell out when they removed the crown. Just so much involved. I hate doing anything more to her than we have to, but this baby molar isn't falling out on it's own any time soon. I meet with the dentist tomorrow and I'm leaning toward having them pull the molar and put in a spacer. Either way, they have to use anesthesia. I'm concerned that if we replace the crown and it falls out again, we have more anesthesia ahead. Removing the tooth seems like the lesser of two evils. I am not sure why her teeth are so horrible in the first place. I pin her down each night and really brush them. She doesn't eat much sugar, I don't give her candy or even fruit snacks anymore. One of her front teeth had a horrible cavity that they had filled back in September (and which fell out several month later b/c she grinds her teeth so much). Thankfully, that tooth fell out last week! Praying for no cavities in the coming months!! Also, pray that we'll have wisdom on the best solution for EK and that she wouldn't be hurting until we can get it fixed!